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The Child-Friendly Initiative Forum: A Mother's View
By Abby Joslin Letteri
On Friday, May 21st (1999), my 11-month old daughter and I had the pleasure of attending the first public forum of the Child-Friendly Initiative. Held at San Francisco's Yerba Buena Center, the Forum attracted a diverse group of parents, educators, child advocates and members of the business community -- and their children. While the grown-ups broke into discussion groups to ponder the future of child- friendly communities, my daughter joined more than a dozen children in an adjacent room staffed by volunteer parents. Temporarily child-proofed and fortified with a tantalizing array of toys, the kid's room was festooned with colorful balloons. As a stay-at-home mom and freelance writer on a budget, I can count the number of times I've left Sofia in care of others on one hand. It's so rare to have good, trustworthy childcare that I've found it difficult to participate in the community since becoming a mother. Attending the CFI Forum was a welcome opportunity with special resonance for me. Little did I know that I would stumble on the beginning of a new social movement.
Every parent has a story or two about the difficulties of shopping, registering the car, having a meal in a restaurant or attending a museum show with children in tow. Our stories range from minor inconveniences to serious discrimination and exclusion. Mothers are routinely barred from breast-feeding their infants in public either overtly (by being asked to leave) or covertly (not a clean bench in sight, strangers' offended stares). Parents often cite the frustration of standing in a long line while their toddlers squirm and fuss, enduring the stern glares and snide comments of other adults. And what parent hasn't arrived at a public event or institution only to find that children under a certain age are excluded, even the infant sleeping soundly in a backpack or sling?
And yet the mainstream public dialogue centers on the critical importance of parental guidance, of our responsibility for our children's behavior. As parents we often face a pesky double standard: a society that requires we attend our children personally while discouraging our participation as families in the community. We are encouraged to have kids, and to raise them with good values and manners. And yet, the implicit message we receive when we try to include our children in the activities of our daily lives is as old-fashioned as is it impossible for even the most attentive parent to fulfill: children should be seen and not heard. Sometimes it seems the whole world is wagging a big finger and hissing, “wouldn't it be easier just to leave them at home? What, can't you afford a sitter?”
It's really hard to have successful experiences when you bring the kids along. Kids of all ages are unpredictable. They have a tendency to be noisy, messy and inquisitive. And it goes without saying that a world hostile to strollers and booster seats, a world in which public spaces are routinely designed without considering the unique needs of children, is an accident or a tantrum waiting to happen. What's a parent to do? Well, usually we just complain. We swap war stories and trade tips on how to work around the difficulties we face. At the CFI Forum, we took a different approach -- at no point in the discussion did we focus on our negative experiences. Instead, we broke into small groups and discussed real-world examples of child-friendly policies and places. Next, we discussed ways of making our communities more child-friendly. We generated hundreds of ideas, ranging from simple individual acts to large organizational actions. We grouped related items together, organizing our blue sky ideas into manageable groups. Finally, we discussed specific actions we could take, individually and as an organization, to support child-friendly compliance, even innovation, in our neighborhoods, our communities, our world.
We talked of actions as simple as encouraging the staff of the local bookstore to adopt a more welcoming attitude to our children. We talked of raising funds to help a struggling small business owner install a much-needed changing table or high-chair in the local cafe. We talked of networking with established mother's groups and child advocacy agencies, of developing volunteer programs to clean up our parks and provide better after school programming for all kids, especially those “at risk.” And we talked of parents' responsibilities when bringing children into the public arena, how to encourage our members to adopt a code of conduct to strengthen the Child-Friendly partnership we'll make with willing businesses and organizations. We also talked of taking action in the complex and thorny world of politics, tracking legislation and influencing public policy through grassroots lobbying.
The ideas that spurred the formation of The Child-Friendly Initiative reach into every aspect of our community and society as a whole. If we cultivate an attitude of respect for children and families, if we provide better access to community resources and services, if we include our children instead of marginalizing them, imagine the effect it could have. We are certainly talking about more than the installation of changing tables in both the men's and women's restrooms. Don't get me wrong: that'll be a big step in the right direction. I hope it won't stop there.
I have always believed that social change starts with individual action. Participating in the CFI Forum stirred my activist's heart and gave me great hope for the future. Becoming involved as the organization grows and develops, and helping to implement Child-Friendly policies and practices will be an important way to model civic responsibility for my daughter while benefiting my community.
Recent and deeply troubling outbreaks of juvenile violence give a new sense of urgency to the task of building child-friendly communities. It is imperative that we provide a more positive and friendly environment for all children, and support parents in the monumental undertaking of raising the next generation. We must respect our children, nurturing them not just at home but out in the world, too. I believe that making our communities safer and more inclusive will make a world of difference in troubled times.
During the last half-hour of the Forum, a volunteer from the childcare room tapped me on the shoulder and said that my daughter needed me. She was getting tired, perhaps hungry, and she'd started to cry. I retrieved her, and returned to my group where I nursed and held her until it was time to leave. As the facilitators re-capped our ideas and recommendations and formal thanks and acknowledgments were made, there were several rounds of applause. After each round, just as the thunder began to die down, Sofia proudly put her tiny hands together, grinned and clapped and underscored my commitment to the future.